Thoughts

I recently realized that my whole life has been dictated by irrational fears. These fears keep me from living a happy, healthy existence. Mostly, I fear revealing my feelings.

There have been so many occasions where I want to tell my children how precious they are to me, but before I can even begin to form the words I am overcome with emotion, unable to say anything. We say "I love you" in phone calls and text messages, but that's different. The other day I wanted to tell my husband how much I love him and how special he is to me. I couldn't do it. My brain actually had the nerve to retort, "No. The minute you divulge this, he will be taken tragically away from you."

Can I get any more irrational?

Of course it didn't help that my grandmother was afraid of just about everything, passing those fears down to her children and grandchildren. Very clannish, she was suspicious of people outside of our close family circle. She was afraid of large bodies of water, germs, thunderstorms, God, and much more.

"Cher, don't go past that curve on the levee, 'cause the green boogie man lives back there. He eats chirren."

I imagined an ugly monster covered in algae waiting for a misstep so he could devour me. I would inch ever so close to see if I could get a glimpse of him. The snap of a twig would shoot me out of there like a cannon. I'd hurtle down the levee, rolling over cow manure to escape the horrible boogie man. I'd have stickers all over me and spend the rest of the afternoon picking them out of my skin and clothes. But hey, at least I escaped the boogie man.

"Cud'n Angelle had a niece that didn't tell anyone she got cut on a barbed wire fence. It got infected and a few days later she died of blood poisoning."

My grandparents had barbed wire all over their property. It was hard for me to look at that barbed wire and have any good feelings about it. After she told me that, every time I looked at the barbed wire I thought about that poor girl who died for no good reason. And I didn't want that to happen to me. Looking back, I'm sure there was no girl who died of blood poisoning. Maw-Maw simply wanted to instill fear. That was her way of controlling us.

I think this is why I'm so skeptical. Of everything. It started with Maw-Maw's manipulations and ended with finding out Santa wasn't real. As a child I thought adults were these wise creatures who knew the secrets of the universe. Why would they purposely lie?

They say awareness is the first step to change. I hope after 40+ years of fearfulness I can let go and be happy. I'm really going to try.

A Record!

The Dallas/Ft. Worth Metroplex saw a record setting 12.5" of snow! This breaks the previous record of 12.1 inches set in 1964.

Deodar Cedar outside our office building

Wow, 10 Inches!

Were you envisioning a naughty post? Shame on you. ;-p

I and the rest of the Dallas/Ft. Worth Metroplex woke up this morning to this:

So far we've had 7.9" of snowfall in a 24-hour period, which breaks the old record of 7.8" on Jan. 15, 1964 and Jan. 14, 1917. We're on track to get another 2" overnight.

I know how much people in the Northeast hate snow, but we rarely see it here, so forgive me for enjoying it. It's so beautiful as it falls, blanketing everything in pure white. There's something very peaceful and soul-soothing about it. Of course, it's very easy to romanticize when shoveling is not part of the picture.

The Bear

The Bear - Film by Jean-Jacques Annaud.

My Insatiable Appetite

The other night I was watching one of the early Seinfeld episodes where Jerry would do a stand up bit first. This one hit me like a ton of bricks:

You know, I tell ya, I gotta say that I'm enjoying adulthood. For a lot of reasons. And, I'll tell you reason number one: as an adult, if I want a cookie, I have a cookie, okay? I have three cookies or four cookies, or eleven cookies if I want. Many times I will intentionally ruin my entire appetite. Just ruin it. And then, I call my mother up right after to tell her that I did it. "Hello, Mom? yeah, I just ruined my entire appetite...cookies." So what if you ruin it. See, because as an adult, we understand even if you ruin an appetite, there's another appetite coming right behind it. There's no danger in running out of appetites. I've got millions of them, I'll ruin them whenever I want!

The large, bolded part got me thinking. Why do I binge eat? Why do I insist on gorging as though it's my last meal? I'm going to have another appetite and another opportunity to eat several hours later. Unless I get hit by a truck or my pie hole disappears, I'm going to eat again. I'd really like to understand the psychology behind overeating.

Today, my friend and I ate at our favorite Mexican restaurant, Mi Cocina*. They have the BEST grilled chicken with sour cream sauce. It's a pretty good sized breast, grilled and smoked. Accompanying that is a huge dollop of guacamole, rice, and pico de gallo. Oh, and the chips and hot sauce sit there on the table ganging up on us, taunting us to eat even more.

All of this food is really too much for me to consume all in one sitting. If I had any self control, I would eat half and take the other half home. But I can't stop until I have eaten every last grain of rice on my plate. Afterwards, I'm miserable.

Yes, I'm sitting here so uncomfortable that I want to get rid of what I just ate. I just spent $21 for lunch and all I can think about is regurgitation. I immediately came here to my blog, miserably typing, seeking answers as to why I would eat to the point of being uncomfortable. Why? Anyone have any suggestions?

*I tried to take my own photo, but the restaurant was too dark. This one is courtesy of Tengo Hambre NYC.